99.

Triggers lately:

Husband has been working straight nights for almost a week

Restless leg syndrome for the last three nights

Not sleeping well for the last three nights

Being stuck in the house with nothing to do for two+ weeks

Not eating proper meals for the last week while husband works nights

Being off routine

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98.

This world saddens me. Every day I see something about shootings, or bombings, or hate crimes, or something else along those lines, and it hurts my heart. The town I live in is small, and shitty, and full of so much hate. We recently had a couple of cross walks painted with the rainbow flag, and a transgender flag for pride month. It was completely paid for by the LGBT community and they looked so pretty!

Last night someone was so disgruntled by it, a colorful cross walk, that they dumped tar all over both of them. What, about a colored cross walk, is so offensive that you feel the need to vandalize it? Does it really effect you? Is your life changed by those colored cross walks? Does it hurt you personally? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t, and you need to grow the fuck up.

The way I see it, love is love. Be who you are. If your outsides don’t match the inside, change it if you can. Not everyone has to like those facts, but they should be adult enough to keep that to themselves. And for those that can’t keep it to themselves, you’re an asshole.

97.

Things have been going fairly well lately, which is mostly why I haven’t been posting. I had a fairly large panic/anxiety attack in May, from thinking about leaving the house. That doesn’t happen very often but when it does, it worries me, and has me wondering if I’m going to start have agoraphobia.

I had to go to the doctor and get a new prescription for all my meds, and surprisingly I didn’t cancel my appointment and make a later one, like I always do.

Birthday season is finally almost over, which means family get togethers should slow down. It’s a fine line for me. I like to go, for the most part, but get so anxious thinking about it, that 9 times out of 10 I end up just staying home.

Next month we’re going to go visit my mom for the first time in 3 years! We’ve talked about it numerous times this year, but every time it was so overwhelming to think about that I would get stress poops just thinking about it. This time for some reason thinking or talking about it makes me excited and not anxious! I’m quite excited to see my boys (nephews) again, my aunts, and go lay on the beach, and swim in the lakes. There’s really nothing like summer in the Okanagan!

That’s about all that’s been going on. Nothing much new, or exciting (other than the trip).

96.

May has been a hard month. There’s so many birthdays/Mother’s Day/events that I have to attend or do. I’ve been popping Klonopin like crazy this month already! I’m looking forward to next month where we have nothing going on. Although that brings summer, which I also hate. I can’t wait til fall hits. Oh and then Christmas is right around the corner! And I can start decorating in the new house! That’s exciting to think about!

95.

I’m going to be 40 in a couple of years. That doesn’t really bother me as much as I thought it would. But I tend to have really terrible birthdays. I always have, and it actually makes me super anxious when my birthday comes around. My 30th birthday sucked. In theory it was fun, we went to a roller skating rink, and I had a big fancy cake, and people actually showed up. I however didn’t have fun. I didn’t feel like the day was about me and felt quite left out of the whole thing.

Lately I’ve been looking for something to do for my 40th. Ideally I’d like to go back to BC and spend it with my family since I know they’d be happy to spend the day with me, but realistically I know we’re going to have to do it here. I’ve thought about a wine tour (in BC), or a spa day (probably by myself since no one else would want to do that since it’s pricey). I don’t know.

The whole thing is depressing. My sil’s 40th is earlier that year also, and I know they’ll plan something big and everyone will go and spend however much it costs and there will be no problem. But when it comes to mine, they’ll bitch and moan about how much it costs and they already spent so much to do sil’s birthday and I’ll be left in the dust again.

Which brings me back to going to BC so I don’t have to deal with people going on about that. At least I still have a couple of years to actually plan and decide.

94.

I have words stuck in my head again, bouncing around, making me anxious. This time it’s keeping me awake, causing insomnia, and that makes me anxious as well. It probably doesn’t help that it’s another “family” holiday coming up and knowing that I need to visit.

93.

I used to be a video game aficionado. I was particularly drawn to Nintendo games. So much that I’d call myself a Nintendo snob. I’d play for hours at a time. So much so, that I’d forget to eat. I’d start as soon as I woke up and didn’t stop until husband came home from work. He works 12 hour shifts so you can imagine the amount of game play I’d get in.

My game of choice is and will always be Zelda. I’ve been playing/watching since I was a little kid. I used to watch my aunt and grandpa have competitions over it. They’d try to beat the other one to the next dungeon/heart container/power up. As I’ve gotten older though, and more anxious, I’m no longer able to play. It gives me such anxiety that I just stop where I am, and don’t pick it up again.

But now I’ve found YouTube! I watch people play and get the same satisfaction without all the anxiety. I’ve been watching Zelda on YouTube for years now. The last game (Skyward Sword) and the newest one (Breath of the Wild) are both great, but there’s no way I could handle playing it myself now. Which really sucks. But at the same time, it saves me a lot of money, so it kind of evens its self out.