May has been a hard month. There’s so many birthdays/Mother’s Day/events that I have to attend or do. I’ve been popping Klonopin like crazy this month already! I’m looking forward to next month where we have nothing going on. Although that brings summer, which I also hate. I can’t wait til fall hits. Oh and then Christmas is right around the corner! And I can start decorating in the new house! That’s exciting to think about!
I’m going to be 40 in a couple of years. That doesn’t really bother me as much as I thought it would. But I tend to have really terrible birthdays. I always have, and it actually makes me super anxious when my birthday comes around. My 30th birthday sucked. In theory it was fun, we went to a roller skating rink, and I had a big fancy cake, and people actually showed up. I however didn’t have fun. I didn’t feel like the day was about me and felt quite left out of the whole thing.
Lately I’ve been looking for something to do for my 40th. Ideally I’d like to go back to BC and spend it with my family since I know they’d be happy to spend the day with me, but realistically I know we’re going to have to do it here. I’ve thought about a wine tour (in BC), or a spa day (probably by myself since no one else would want to do that since it’s pricey). I don’t know.
The whole thing is depressing. My sil’s 40th is earlier that year also, and I know they’ll plan something big and everyone will go and spend however much it costs and there will be no problem. But when it comes to mine, they’ll bitch and moan about how much it costs and they already spent so much to do sil’s birthday and I’ll be left in the dust again.
Which brings me back to going to BC so I don’t have to deal with people going on about that. At least I still have a couple of years to actually plan and decide.
I have words stuck in my head again, bouncing around, making me anxious. This time it’s keeping me awake, causing insomnia, and that makes me anxious as well. It probably doesn’t help that it’s another “family” holiday coming up and knowing that I need to visit.
I used to be a video game aficionado. I was particularly drawn to Nintendo games. So much that I’d call myself a Nintendo snob. I’d play for hours at a time. So much so, that I’d forget to eat. I’d start as soon as I woke up and didn’t stop until husband came home from work. He works 12 hour shifts so you can imagine the amount of game play I’d get in.
My game of choice is and will always be Zelda. I’ve been playing/watching since I was a little kid. I used to watch my aunt and grandpa have competitions over it. They’d try to beat the other one to the next dungeon/heart container/power up. As I’ve gotten older though, and more anxious, I’m no longer able to play. It gives me such anxiety that I just stop where I am, and don’t pick it up again.
But now I’ve found YouTube! I watch people play and get the same satisfaction without all the anxiety. I’ve been watching Zelda on YouTube for years now. The last game (Skyward Sword) and the newest one (Breath of the Wild) are both great, but there’s no way I could handle playing it myself now. Which really sucks. But at the same time, it saves me a lot of money, so it kind of evens its self out.
I’m so frustrated. Everything seems to be going wrong. I’m constantly having to return things, exchange things, or fix things. Nothing is ever simple, and it’s so frustrating. On the up side, I just got a free drink from Starbucks. So there’s that.
I need a cat. I want a cat. I love cats. I’m really just a crazy cat lady that has no cats. I’m like that one lady that went on a big rant on YouTube or whatever, about how she loves cats, and all the cats in the world were her best friend. I hear you lady, and I feel the same way. Cats are the shit, and I love them!
I don’t talk much. There’s not really anyone around to talk to besides husband, and I see him so rarely it seems that I just don’t talk anymore. Sometimes I’ll talk to myself if I think of something funny that just needs to be said aloud, or to the tv when it warrants it.
I find that, possibly, because of this, my voice cracks a lot. I’ll be saying something and out of nowhere the sound just doesn’t come out. It happens quite often. It’s almost worrisome, since I’m a bit of a hypochondriac, however, I don’t really worry about it. I feel like I should though.
Also, because I don’t talk, when I do, I feel like I word vomit. Like I open my mouth and words just vomit out of it. It’s a really strange feeling. One I really don’t like. It literally feels like I’m vomiting words. It happens mostly when I’m talking to strangers, like in a shop or something.
Maybe I just need to talk more. But I have no one to talk to, so what’s the point?