106.

As I’ve gotten older, as possibly crazier, I’ve realized why I’m not meant to have children. I don’t think I could handle having them. I think the stress and anxiety would be too much for me to deal with and I’d probably break. I’m glad I can finally, and logically understand why I shouldn’t have children, and I’m kind of ok with it, because it is what it is, but I’m still not really ok with it.

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105.

Dentist, dun dun DUUNNN! One of the scariest words/things in the world. Sadly, I had to go to them last week. When I was a kid, I had a lot of dental work. I had braces, two types of retainers, and some weird bracket thing that my mom had to crank with a key to widen my mouth, not all in that order, and over the course of 6 or so years. The dentist we went to was actually pretty nice, but the orthodontist was a total asshole and he’s scarred me for life.

I stopped going when I was 16 because I didn’t need to anymore. 14 years later, my wisdom teeth had become abcessed and infected, and I was in excruciating pain. After popping ibuprofen and Tylenol for 6 months every 4 hours I finally made an appointment to have them removed. I found a dentist who, put me under general anesthesia and it was all over before I knew I had been put to sleep.

After a few years, I had to go back to have some cavities filled. By then I had gone for help with anxiety and had some ativan. That did nothing! When they gave me the numbing needles I had a panic attack and full-out bawled in the dentist chair. They were super nice about it, and when I had calmed they proceeded with their work.

Last week when I had my appointment to have another filling done, I was prepared for the panic. The days leading up to it were terrible. And the day of I took a Klonopin before I even left the house, knowing I’d need it. My pill kicked in and I was good to go. Once we got there however, it was like I didn’t take one at all. Panic kicked in and by the time I got in the chair and explained what was wrong, I was already crying.

After some x-rays and pictures the dentist showed up and told me I didn’t, in fact, need anything done! I was so relieved! Also, a bit annoyed that I went through all of that just to find out it was nothing. I’m hoping it will be another 16+ years before I step foot in there again.

102.

Three days was too long to go away. The first two days we were gone it was great. I was tired and didn’t want to do much, but my anxiety was down and I was feeling good. The third day was just terrible. I was so tired and worn out and anxious that I could barely get off the couch. There were too many people around and too much noise. Thankfully husband was there to steer everyone away from me and to give me some space and quiet time.

Now we’re home in our own space, where it’s clean and there’s no bugs crawling around, (I don’t understand how people can live like that), I’m doing a bit better. Except for now we have husband’s brother and family in town, and two family dinners scheduled for today and tomorrow. I really want to see the kids, but I really don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it. I hate that this happens. Especially since I had been doing so well before we went away.

101.

I hate summer! It’s hot and sticky, I can’t use my kitchen because we don’t have a/c. This year is especially bad. It’s been 30+ for the last two weeks and it’s supposed to be almost 40 this weekend. Our house doesn’t cool off at night either. Thankfully if I open both the front and back door, and stick a fan in front of the front door in the morning, I can get the house down to 23. The kitchen is unbearable though. Looks like this summer we’ll be living off of sandwiches and salads. And takeout.

99.

Triggers lately:

Husband has been working straight nights for almost a week

Restless leg syndrome for the last three nights

Not sleeping well for the last three nights

Being stuck in the house with nothing to do for two+ weeks

Not eating proper meals for the last week while husband works nights

Being off routine

98.

This world saddens me. Every day I see something about shootings, or bombings, or hate crimes, or something else along those lines, and it hurts my heart. The town I live in is small, and shitty, and full of so much hate. We recently had a couple of cross walks painted with the rainbow flag, and a transgender flag for pride month. It was completely paid for by the LGBT community and they looked so pretty!

Last night someone was so disgruntled by it, a colorful cross walk, that they dumped tar all over both of them. What, about a colored cross walk, is so offensive that you feel the need to vandalize it? Does it really effect you? Is your life changed by those colored cross walks? Does it hurt you personally? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t, and you need to grow the fuck up.

The way I see it, love is love. Be who you are. If your outsides don’t match the inside, change it if you can. Not everyone has to like those facts, but they should be adult enough to keep that to themselves. And for those that can’t keep it to themselves, you’re an asshole.

97.

Things have been going fairly well lately, which is mostly why I haven’t been posting. I had a fairly large panic/anxiety attack in May, from thinking about leaving the house. That doesn’t happen very often but when it does, it worries me, and has me wondering if I’m going to start have agoraphobia.

I had to go to the doctor and get a new prescription for all my meds, and surprisingly I didn’t cancel my appointment and make a later one, like I always do.

Birthday season is finally almost over, which means family get togethers should slow down. It’s a fine line for me. I like to go, for the most part, but get so anxious thinking about it, that 9 times out of 10 I end up just staying home.

Next month we’re going to go visit my mom for the first time in 3 years! We’ve talked about it numerous times this year, but every time it was so overwhelming to think about that I would get stress poops just thinking about it. This time for some reason thinking or talking about it makes me excited and not anxious! I’m quite excited to see my boys (nephews) again, my aunts, and go lay on the beach, and swim in the lakes. There’s really nothing like summer in the Okanagan!

That’s about all that’s been going on. Nothing much new, or exciting (other than the trip).