111.

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in my comfort zone. It’s nice and cozy and non threatening. I basically stay home, mostly by myself, and clean, cook, and binge Netflix.

Then I get the feeling that I should step out of my comfy bubble and do something scary. I reach out and try to make a plan with someone and they shut it down. They don’t realize how hard it is, and it sets me back, and I never want to leave my bubble again.

This time, I’m not reaching out. I know what the response will be. I don’t want to be rejected again. So I’ll stay in my bubble and everyone else can go fuck themselves.

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109.

There’s a thing planned in March. There’s going to be a lot of people there and I don’t want to go. The thing is we have no reason why we can’t and it would be really shitty of us not to, except I know already what it will do to me.

108.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but there’s so many things in the way, that I haven’t been sleeping and everything seems worse because of it. It seems to be that way, things always get worse just before they get better.

106.

As I’ve gotten older, as possibly crazier, I’ve realized why I’m not meant to have children. I don’t think I could handle having them. I think the stress and anxiety would be too much for me to deal with and I’d probably break. I’m glad I can finally, and logically understand why I shouldn’t have children, and I’m kind of ok with it, because it is what it is, but I’m still not really ok with it.

105.

Dentist, dun dun DUUNNN! One of the scariest words/things in the world. Sadly, I had to go to them last week. When I was a kid, I had a lot of dental work. I had braces, two types of retainers, and some weird bracket thing that my mom had to crank with a key to widen my mouth, not all in that order, and over the course of 6 or so years. The dentist we went to was actually pretty nice, but the orthodontist was a total asshole and he’s scarred me for life.

I stopped going when I was 16 because I didn’t need to anymore. 14 years later, my wisdom teeth had become abcessed and infected, and I was in excruciating pain. After popping ibuprofen and Tylenol for 6 months every 4 hours I finally made an appointment to have them removed. I found a dentist who, put me under general anesthesia and it was all over before I knew I had been put to sleep.

After a few years, I had to go back to have some cavities filled. By then I had gone for help with anxiety and had some ativan. That did nothing! When they gave me the numbing needles I had a panic attack and full-out bawled in the dentist chair. They were super nice about it, and when I had calmed they proceeded with their work.

Last week when I had my appointment to have another filling done, I was prepared for the panic. The days leading up to it were terrible. And the day of I took a Klonopin before I even left the house, knowing I’d need it. My pill kicked in and I was good to go. Once we got there however, it was like I didn’t take one at all. Panic kicked in and by the time I got in the chair and explained what was wrong, I was already crying.

After some x-rays and pictures the dentist showed up and told me I didn’t, in fact, need anything done! I was so relieved! Also, a bit annoyed that I went through all of that just to find out it was nothing. I’m hoping it will be another 16+ years before I step foot in there again.

102.

Three days was too long to go away. The first two days we were gone it was great. I was tired and didn’t want to do much, but my anxiety was down and I was feeling good. The third day was just terrible. I was so tired and worn out and anxious that I could barely get off the couch. There were too many people around and too much noise. Thankfully husband was there to steer everyone away from me and to give me some space and quiet time.

Now we’re home in our own space, where it’s clean and there’s no bugs crawling around, (I don’t understand how people can live like that), I’m doing a bit better. Except for now we have husband’s brother and family in town, and two family dinners scheduled for today and tomorrow. I really want to see the kids, but I really don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it. I hate that this happens. Especially since I had been doing so well before we went away.