As I’ve gotten older, as possibly crazier, I’ve realized why I’m not meant to have children. I don’t think I could handle having them. I think the stress and anxiety would be too much for me to deal with and I’d probably break. I’m glad I can finally, and logically understand why I shouldn’t have children, and I’m kind of ok with it, because it is what it is, but I’m still not really ok with it.
I’m cranky, irritable, stubborn, and negative. I distance myself from people so I won’t get hurt. I’m not a happy, positive person. I don’t feel the need to talk to family. I’m not a touchy-feely person. I hate huggers. It takes a lot to impress me, and I find most things, that other people think are cool or funny, to be lame.
I know I’m not the daughter my mother wanted but she has my sister-in-law for that, and I’ve seen first hand that she’s the kind of daughter she wanted.
Finally routine is back. There’s no one around, and we have no obligations for the foreseeable future. Now if the heat would just cool down a bit and we could get some rain, everything would be great.
I hate summer! It’s hot and sticky, I can’t use my kitchen because we don’t have a/c. This year is especially bad. It’s been 30+ for the last two weeks and it’s supposed to be almost 40 this weekend. Our house doesn’t cool off at night either. Thankfully if I open both the front and back door, and stick a fan in front of the front door in the morning, I can get the house down to 23. The kitchen is unbearable though. Looks like this summer we’ll be living off of sandwiches and salads. And takeout.
I grew up in a very religious household. Church every sunday, prayers before every meal and bedtime. Along with that came no celebrating Halloween. But that didn’t happen until I was around 8 years old. I remember having Halloween parties when I was really little, and trick or treating in costumes, and having normal kid fun. But then we suddenly weren’t allowed to celebrate Halloween because it was evil. We would be taken out of school, so as not to be subjected to the evil, that is going door to door, asking for candy.
One year, I remember the parents from my mom’s church (I would never consider it mine because I hated it and hated going) getting all crazy and having a big prayer circle, or whatever you call it, on Halloween night. It’s like they thought hell was going to open up, and spit out everything there was, into our little corner of the world.
I don’t really get why they got so crazy. Maybe it was all the rumors of razor blades and such in candy, after all, it was the 80’s. All I know is I thought, and still think it’s ridiculous. There’s nothing evil about Halloween. Or dressing up in costume. Or trick or treating! It’s fun, and I personally think depriving your kids of that is so not ok.
This world saddens me. Every day I see something about shootings, or bombings, or hate crimes, or something else along those lines, and it hurts my heart. The town I live in is small, and shitty, and full of so much hate. We recently had a couple of cross walks painted with the rainbow flag, and a transgender flag for pride month. It was completely paid for by the LGBT community and they looked so pretty!
Last night someone was so disgruntled by it, a colorful cross walk, that they dumped tar all over both of them. What, about a colored cross walk, is so offensive that you feel the need to vandalize it? Does it really effect you? Is your life changed by those colored cross walks? Does it hurt you personally? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t, and you need to grow the fuck up.
The way I see it, love is love. Be who you are. If your outsides don’t match the inside, change it if you can. Not everyone has to like those facts, but they should be adult enough to keep that to themselves. And for those that can’t keep it to themselves, you’re an asshole.
Things have been going fairly well lately, which is mostly why I haven’t been posting. I had a fairly large panic/anxiety attack in May, from thinking about leaving the house. That doesn’t happen very often but when it does, it worries me, and has me wondering if I’m going to start have agoraphobia.
I had to go to the doctor and get a new prescription for all my meds, and surprisingly I didn’t cancel my appointment and make a later one, like I always do.
Birthday season is finally almost over, which means family get togethers should slow down. It’s a fine line for me. I like to go, for the most part, but get so anxious thinking about it, that 9 times out of 10 I end up just staying home.
Next month we’re going to go visit my mom for the first time in 3 years! We’ve talked about it numerous times this year, but every time it was so overwhelming to think about that I would get stress poops just thinking about it. This time for some reason thinking or talking about it makes me excited and not anxious! I’m quite excited to see my boys (nephews) again, my aunts, and go lay on the beach, and swim in the lakes. There’s really nothing like summer in the Okanagan!
That’s about all that’s been going on. Nothing much new, or exciting (other than the trip).