Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in my comfort zone. It’s nice and cozy and non threatening. I basically stay home, mostly by myself, and clean, cook, and binge Netflix.
Then I get the feeling that I should step out of my comfy bubble and do something scary. I reach out and try to make a plan with someone and they shut it down. They don’t realize how hard it is, and it sets me back, and I never want to leave my bubble again.
This time, I’m not reaching out. I know what the response will be. I don’t want to be rejected again. So I’ll stay in my bubble and everyone else can go fuck themselves.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but there’s so many things in the way, that I haven’t been sleeping and everything seems worse because of it. It seems to be that way, things always get worse just before they get better.
Right now, things are not great.
As I’ve gotten older, as possibly crazier, I’ve realized why I’m not meant to have children. I don’t think I could handle having them. I think the stress and anxiety would be too much for me to deal with and I’d probably break. I’m glad I can finally, and logically understand why I shouldn’t have children, and I’m kind of ok with it, because it is what it is, but I’m still not really ok with it.
Three days was too long to go away. The first two days we were gone it was great. I was tired and didn’t want to do much, but my anxiety was down and I was feeling good. The third day was just terrible. I was so tired and worn out and anxious that I could barely get off the couch. There were too many people around and too much noise. Thankfully husband was there to steer everyone away from me and to give me some space and quiet time.
Now we’re home in our own space, where it’s clean and there’s no bugs crawling around, (I don’t understand how people can live like that), I’m doing a bit better. Except for now we have husband’s brother and family in town, and two family dinners scheduled for today and tomorrow. I really want to see the kids, but I really don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it. I hate that this happens. Especially since I had been doing so well before we went away.
Husband has been working straight nights for almost a week
Restless leg syndrome for the last three nights
Not sleeping well for the last three nights
Being stuck in the house with nothing to do for two+ weeks
Not eating proper meals for the last week while husband works nights
Being off routine
Things have been going fairly well lately, which is mostly why I haven’t been posting. I had a fairly large panic/anxiety attack in May, from thinking about leaving the house. That doesn’t happen very often but when it does, it worries me, and has me wondering if I’m going to start have agoraphobia.
I had to go to the doctor and get a new prescription for all my meds, and surprisingly I didn’t cancel my appointment and make a later one, like I always do.
Birthday season is finally almost over, which means family get togethers should slow down. It’s a fine line for me. I like to go, for the most part, but get so anxious thinking about it, that 9 times out of 10 I end up just staying home.
Next month we’re going to go visit my mom for the first time in 3 years! We’ve talked about it numerous times this year, but every time it was so overwhelming to think about that I would get stress poops just thinking about it. This time for some reason thinking or talking about it makes me excited and not anxious! I’m quite excited to see my boys (nephews) again, my aunts, and go lay on the beach, and swim in the lakes. There’s really nothing like summer in the Okanagan!
That’s about all that’s been going on. Nothing much new, or exciting (other than the trip).