106.

As I’ve gotten older, as possibly crazier, I’ve realized why I’m not meant to have children. I don’t think I could handle having them. I think the stress and anxiety would be too much for me to deal with and I’d probably break. I’m glad I can finally, and logically understand why I shouldn’t have children, and I’m kind of ok with it, because it is what it is, but I’m still not really ok with it.

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102.

Three days was too long to go away. The first two days we were gone it was great. I was tired and didn’t want to do much, but my anxiety was down and I was feeling good. The third day was just terrible. I was so tired and worn out and anxious that I could barely get off the couch. There were too many people around and too much noise. Thankfully husband was there to steer everyone away from me and to give me some space and quiet time.

Now we’re home in our own space, where it’s clean and there’s no bugs crawling around, (I don’t understand how people can live like that), I’m doing a bit better. Except for now we have husband’s brother and family in town, and two family dinners scheduled for today and tomorrow. I really want to see the kids, but I really don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it. I hate that this happens. Especially since I had been doing so well before we went away.

99.

Triggers lately:

Husband has been working straight nights for almost a week

Restless leg syndrome for the last three nights

Not sleeping well for the last three nights

Being stuck in the house with nothing to do for two+ weeks

Not eating proper meals for the last week while husband works nights

Being off routine

97.

Things have been going fairly well lately, which is mostly why I haven’t been posting. I had a fairly large panic/anxiety attack in May, from thinking about leaving the house. That doesn’t happen very often but when it does, it worries me, and has me wondering if I’m going to start have agoraphobia.

I had to go to the doctor and get a new prescription for all my meds, and surprisingly I didn’t cancel my appointment and make a later one, like I always do.

Birthday season is finally almost over, which means family get togethers should slow down. It’s a fine line for me. I like to go, for the most part, but get so anxious thinking about it, that 9 times out of 10 I end up just staying home.

Next month we’re going to go visit my mom for the first time in 3 years! We’ve talked about it numerous times this year, but every time it was so overwhelming to think about that I would get stress poops just thinking about it. This time for some reason thinking or talking about it makes me excited and not anxious! I’m quite excited to see my boys (nephews) again, my aunts, and go lay on the beach, and swim in the lakes. There’s really nothing like summer in the Okanagan!

That’s about all that’s been going on. Nothing much new, or exciting (other than the trip).

96.

May has been a hard month. There’s so many birthdays/Mother’s Day/events that I have to attend or do. I’ve been popping Klonopin like crazy this month already! I’m looking forward to next month where we have nothing going on. Although that brings summer, which I also hate. I can’t wait til fall hits. Oh and then Christmas is right around the corner! And I can start decorating in the new house! That’s exciting to think about!

95.

I’m going to be 40 in a couple of years. That doesn’t really bother me as much as I thought it would. But I tend to have really terrible birthdays. I always have, and it actually makes me super anxious when my birthday comes around. My 30th birthday sucked. In theory it was fun, we went to a roller skating rink, and I had a big fancy cake, and people actually showed up. I however didn’t have fun. I didn’t feel like the day was about me and felt quite left out of the whole thing.

Lately I’ve been looking for something to do for my 40th. Ideally I’d like to go back to BC and spend it with my family since I know they’d be happy to spend the day with me, but realistically I know we’re going to have to do it here. I’ve thought about a wine tour (in BC), or a spa day (probably by myself since no one else would want to do that since it’s pricey). I don’t know.

The whole thing is depressing. My sil’s 40th is earlier that year also, and I know they’ll plan something big and everyone will go and spend however much it costs and there will be no problem. But when it comes to mine, they’ll bitch and moan about how much it costs and they already spent so much to do sil’s birthday and I’ll be left in the dust again.

Which brings me back to going to BC so I don’t have to deal with people going on about that. At least I still have a couple of years to actually plan and decide.

92.

I’m so frustrated. Everything seems to be going wrong. I’m constantly having to return things, exchange things, or fix things. Nothing is ever simple, and it’s so frustrating. On the up side, I just got a free drink from Starbucks. So there’s that.