May has been a hard month. There’s so many birthdays/Mother’s Day/events that I have to attend or do. I’ve been popping Klonopin like crazy this month already! I’m looking forward to next month where we have nothing going on. Although that brings summer, which I also hate. I can’t wait til fall hits. Oh and then Christmas is right around the corner! And I can start decorating in the new house! That’s exciting to think about!
I’m going to be 40 in a couple of years. That doesn’t really bother me as much as I thought it would. But I tend to have really terrible birthdays. I always have, and it actually makes me super anxious when my birthday comes around. My 30th birthday sucked. In theory it was fun, we went to a roller skating rink, and I had a big fancy cake, and people actually showed up. I however didn’t have fun. I didn’t feel like the day was about me and felt quite left out of the whole thing.
Lately I’ve been looking for something to do for my 40th. Ideally I’d like to go back to BC and spend it with my family since I know they’d be happy to spend the day with me, but realistically I know we’re going to have to do it here. I’ve thought about a wine tour (in BC), or a spa day (probably by myself since no one else would want to do that since it’s pricey). I don’t know.
The whole thing is depressing. My sil’s 40th is earlier that year also, and I know they’ll plan something big and everyone will go and spend however much it costs and there will be no problem. But when it comes to mine, they’ll bitch and moan about how much it costs and they already spent so much to do sil’s birthday and I’ll be left in the dust again.
Which brings me back to going to BC so I don’t have to deal with people going on about that. At least I still have a couple of years to actually plan and decide.
I’m so frustrated. Everything seems to be going wrong. I’m constantly having to return things, exchange things, or fix things. Nothing is ever simple, and it’s so frustrating. On the up side, I just got a free drink from Starbucks. So there’s that.
Tax season. One of my favourite times of year. The only problem is husband gets anxiety when we have any significant amount of extra money. Why? Who knows? Maybe it’s from growing up poor, like I did, or maybe it’s the stress of knowing it can go places but not sure where to put it? Anyways, his anxiety is causing me to have anxiety since I’m prone to it, I imagine. I tend to feed off of others emotions, and mimic them myself. It sucks. I should be excited and happy that we are now debt free, and got to go a little spend crazy yesterday. Instead I’m sitting here, typing on a new laptop, waiting for packages in the mail, and feeling down and anxious. My brain sucks!
You know when you wake up in the morning and you’re disappointed that you’re still alive? Yeah. That.
Christmas was good. We went to my sister in law’s, and had a really nice time. Until we both realized why we don’t play games with her husband anymore. (That’s a rather long and ridiculous story that I probably won’t tell.) The week after is a bit of a blur. My husband was off work for almost two weeks, and I saw him for a total of two days. Two.
Between his brother and his family being in town, and dealing with the old house, he was just never around. I didn’t have it in me anymore to visit people, so I mostly just stayed home alone. I did go for dinner at his parents with everyone else, but that was the last of my visiting. I really needed the alone time, and just to not deal with anymore people.
I spent New Years Eve, you guessed it, alone. Husband went to his sisters, mostly out of obligation to be honest, and I stayed home watching Netflix. All the alone time was starting to get to me though. New Years Day wasn’t great and husband could tell. We spent the day cuddled on the couch together and that made things better. It’s funny what a little contact will do to a mood. Now we’re back to routine, and I’m happy about that.
Other than the tire situation, which is now taken care of, things are going surprisingly well. I’m feeling more social, (to a point), I’ve been talking quite a bit with my sister-in-law, and her and her husband have been very helpful with the move and other things.
We’re almost all in now, only 6 more days until we can fully move in! It’s such a relief to be out of this place, and even hearing my neighbour isn’t bothering me quite as much as it was, since I know there’s an end date in sight. Tomorrow my husband works, and I have nothing to do but catch up on some shows and read a book. Right now, everything’s coming up Milhouse!