112.

I received the best news this week. Something I’ve been waiting years for. We are finally able to have a cat! This may not be so exciting to others but for me it’s a big deal. It felt like someone told me I was pregnant.

After not being able to have a baby, the next best thing was to get a cat. And now, I finally can!

We went out the next day and just happened across a beautiful little kitty in a pet shop. She has to be one of the most beautiful cats I’ve ever seen. She’s a rescue and from a local humane society. They think she’s about 6 months old.

We went in the adoption room to visit with her and other than being very curious, she wasn’t shy at all! She immediately let me touch her and even pick her up. She was instantly purring. Even husband likes her!

We immediately filled out adoption forms and are now waiting to hear back if we get to keep her. It makes me super anxious though, with the waiting, and I’m so nervous that they’ll turn us down. I’m already so in love with her and I just want her home so I can spoil her.

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111.

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in my comfort zone. It’s nice and cozy and non threatening. I basically stay home, mostly by myself, and clean, cook, and binge Netflix.

Then I get the feeling that I should step out of my comfy bubble and do something scary. I reach out and try to make a plan with someone and they shut it down. They don’t realize how hard it is, and it sets me back, and I never want to leave my bubble again.

This time, I’m not reaching out. I know what the response will be. I don’t want to be rejected again. So I’ll stay in my bubble and everyone else can go fuck themselves.

110.

Things are so much better at the moment. Our house is decorated for Christmas and everything looks so cozy and cheerful. Christmas always puts me in an instant good mood. I love the planning, cooking, and general bustle of it. My shopping is all planned out and I just need to complete my purchases. All the food is planned and mostly bought. There’s just a few things left that need to wait until the last minute. Right now, things are good.

109.

There’s a thing planned in March. There’s going to be a lot of people there and I don’t want to go. The thing is we have no reason why we can’t and it would be really shitty of us not to, except I know already what it will do to me.

108.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but there’s so many things in the way, that I haven’t been sleeping and everything seems worse because of it. It seems to be that way, things always get worse just before they get better.

106.

As I’ve gotten older, as possibly crazier, I’ve realized why I’m not meant to have children. I don’t think I could handle having them. I think the stress and anxiety would be too much for me to deal with and I’d probably break. I’m glad I can finally, and logically understand why I shouldn’t have children, and I’m kind of ok with it, because it is what it is, but I’m still not really ok with it.