49.

We need to move. I think my husband’s family is a big trigger for my anxiety and living so close, and even in the same town is not good for either of us. We either need to move towns to be closer to his job, or farther away and find new jobs. It’s just so hard to leave such a good paying job and start over. Either way we need distance.

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48.

As if we needed more proof that we aren’t wanted around my husband’s family, we got some today.

My mother in law’s birthday is one week before mine. On the weekend my husband got a text from his sister asking if he works on Tuesday (today) and he said he works nights. Her response was “ok”. Nothing else. We both knew that meant she was planning on having dinner for their mom and was probably checking to see if she had to invite us. The thing is, he doesn’t work until 7 and would be able to go anyways, and not only that, I don’t work.

Today, we found out from his dad that they are, in fact, going to his sisters for dinner. He was surprised that we weren’t going and when he asked why, my husband said we weren’t invited. His mom called a couple of hours later and skirted around the issue. When asked what she was doing she listed off a bunch of things and never even mentioned dinner.

So there we have it. We are clearly, and blatantly not wanted.

47.

I’ve been looking forward to today for 2 months! Our town is having Ribfest, and there’s not much that I love more than ribs. Finally there’s something that I want to do where we live, and when the day comes around, I can’t do it.

I don’t know exactly what triggered my anxiety today, big crowds, noisy people, things I’m not familiar with, but it made me completely unable to go and do something I was really looking forward to for a long time. I’m such a disappointment to myself.

45.

More company again this summer. This time it’s brother-in-law again with his three kids, but he also brought his new girlfriend and her two kids. Yesterday was a bad day for me, knowing I had to interact with them, but I popped a Klonopin and went to visit. Thankfully the kids were fine with me spending the whole time with them, and I didn’t really have to visit.

Today I’m better. I went for a visit in the morning and even went as far as to invite myself over for dinner! For me that’s a huge step. I probably won’t be seeing anyone tomorrow and that’s just fine, since I need some space, and the two days after will be probably full of people.

I’m pretty sure that’s the rest of it now until Christmas.

44.

Birthdays. Mine is on Tuesday and honestly, they’re never that good. I mean, they’re usually relaxing, consisting of a dinner or lunch out and usually a tattoo appointment. But there’s so much pressure of having a “good birthday” that mine always fall flat.

I don’t usually invite anyone for a “birthday dinner” anymore, since no one seems to care enough to come. My one friend always has some excuse, and the family that’s around never cares enough to come. Last year, I didn’t invite anyone, and they actually seemed offended by it, which amused me quite a bit. Why the fuck would you be offended by something you don’t even want to do? Not once do they even ask what we’re doing. If you don’t ask, you don’t get invited. Simple.

This year, I’m getting two tattoos and going for lunch to a pub. We’ll see if anyone cares to know.

Update: No one is being invited. They can go fuck themselves.

Update 2: I felt like I should invite them, so I ended up doing that. I’m feeling surprisingly well today.

43.

The inside of my head is a big, messy, too tight space. Its full of ideas that will never come to fruition, and things that can’t be put into words. Sometimes I love how my brain works and other times I hate it. I can be extremely creative, and other times extremely limiting.┬áThere are so many things that I want to do, but I’m limited by what I’m able to.