32.

So apparently this is going to be a big pain in the ass to go see someone other than my gp. My insurance will cover me for a psychologist, but I have to jump through so many hoops, I don’t think it’s actually worth it.

No one will actually direct bill my insurance company, or so it seems, and I still have to pay a deductible for every session. The people who are available don’t give prescriptions, so that negates my reason for not having to go to my regular doctor. For a company that stresses its support in mental health, they sure picked an insurance company that doesn’t help much when it comes to getting said help.

I suppose I’ll just stick to what I’m doing now, even if it does get worse, simply because I don’t really have any more options.

31.

I think it’s finally gotten to the point where I need to see someone. Someone other than my doctor. I need a Frasier Crane. I don’t know how to go about finding someone though. I have to be able to go through my insurance, and I want someone who can prescribe drugs to me, mainly so I don’t have to go to my regular doctor, and risk getting sick.

Can I just make an appointment, or do I need a referral? I’m so at a loss here as to what to do.

30.

Some days I feel like such a failure at life. Days like today. I let my anxiety and depression win and I give in to it. My niece and nephews are in town, which is rare, and I can’t get it together enough to go see them.

I finally did get to visit with my niece and nephew. After a few days of me being a wreck, the fog lifted and I was able to go for dinner with the family, and have a short visit. 

29.

I love getting tattoos and have 15 of them. I crave them. It’s not just having the beautiful art on my body that I love, it’s the pain of getting them.

No matter what anyone says, or how tough they try to sound, tattoos hurt. Some less than others, but still, there is pain in tattooing. For me, it’s a good pain. It helps with the hurt inside, and it leaves something beautiful behind.

I usually go twice a year to get a new tattoo. Sometimes I get two in one sitting, depending on where and how big they are. Mine are mostly small, as I’m working on filling a half sleeve with cute little images. This year for my birthday, I’m getting two. A brain slug from Futurama, and a super cute fat unicorn. They’re both going to hurt a lot. One behind my ear, and the other right under my ditch. But the pain will be so worth it in the end.

28.

As much as I love seeing my niece and nephews that live out-of-town, I don’t look forward to having the extra family here. It always ends up with me and my husband being left out and not thought about yet again.

Time and time again it happens, and no matter how many times we confront them about it, it happens every time. We don’t get a real invite to do things. We get told what they’re doing and then expected to go along with it.

My sister-in-law knows how we feel about this, since she’s the one that plans everything, she’s the one confronted about it. My brother-in-law is just stupid and goes along with whatever my sister-in-law says. She’s very selfish when it comes to her brother. If we invite him to do something she gets all pouty and pissy. But when it’s the other way around we’re expected to just go along with it.

Already plans are made for the one day my husband has off work and we weren’t consulted about it yet again. Just expected to go along. Well that’s not going to happen. I’m taking a stand, that I’m sure will be overlooked, and not going along with it. In all honesty, they can go fuck themselves.

27.

As I’ve said before, I believe in God. With that, I believe in creationism. However, I also believe in evolution. It just makes sense to me. Not necessarily the apes and fish part, but the whole man and animal has evolved part.

If we haven’t evolved from something and are the same as we started out, then how do you explain the human skulls that are completely formed differently than what they are now? They’ve found whole skeletons that look completely different from ours. What about cavemen? We had to have evolved from that to be where we are now.

Same with animals. How do you explain different breeds of animals that we have now, that weren’t around millions of years ago? They had to evolve to suit the environment. One of my favourite things are unicorns. I like to think that when Noah had his big flood, they didn’t make it on, and instead evolved into narwhals. For the longest time I thought narwhals were a myth, and was so excited to find out that the unicorn of the sea was real!

I’m no scientist, and I’m not learned in evolution or anything like that, but this is what makes sense to me. Evolution is based in facts, and there’s real proof right there for you to see. Evolution is real. And yes, I can still believe God created the heavens and the earth and all life, and that as time goes by, it evolves into something new and beautiful.

26.

I don’t believe in free will, and if you think about it, it doesn’t make sense. I believe in God, and most would group me in the “Christian” religion. I don’t. I don’t believe in organized religion. Most of them, in my opinion, are just cults, masking themselves as religions, ie: Mormons, and Catholics. I find most “Christians” to be hateful and judgemental, which goes completely against the teachings.

But I digress. If God has everything pre-destined, then wouldn’t free will be obsolete? He supposedly gave us free will to choose as we might, but when everything is already set in stone, where is the choice? There is none. Everything that happens, whether from choice or not, has already been decided.

Because of this, I’ve decided that nothing I do will make a difference. I’m not talking big stuff like murder and such. I mean the little things. If I eat too much and gain more weight, if I forget to leave the door locked and someone breaks into my house, if I get sick and don’t treat it. Things like this. The way I see it is, if something’s going to happen, it’s going to happen, and there’s really nothing we can do about it. It’s the same way I feel about death. If it’s your time to die, you’re going to die. Whether you get hit by a car, have a heart attack, or an anvil falls on your head. That last one is probably the way I’d like to go. Pretty instant and very memorable.