3.

As I’ve said in an earlier post, I have social and general anxiety. The worst being social. Up until 4 years ago I thought I was just anti social and tended to feel sick a lot when having to be around people. I finally realized what was going on when I started reading The Bloggess. I was reading her blog and saying to myself “I have that too! That’s what’s happening to me!” I figured I didn’t need help though since it wasn’t too bad and only happened sporadically.
Then a few years ago I had my first panic and anxiety attack. We had tickets for months to go to a Vampire Weekend concert for our anniversary and I was really looking forward to it. I had never been to a concert and was a bit nervous leading up to the date. The day of was horrible. I had massive anxiety and did everything I could to distract myself. On the two-hour drive to the venue I got physically sick. Once we stopped in the city I had a full-blown panic attack. Needless to say we didn’t end up going. I was so disappointed not just because I was missing it but more in myself. I felt so defeated. It was after that, that I decided I needed help.
I finally went to my doctor and he was super understanding about it. He almost seemed to say “oh that? Lots of people have that. Take this.” So he gave me Ativan.
The Ativan worked a tiny bit but not enough. I ended up not taking it at all since it didn’t do anything anyways. After a horrible Christmas away at a cabin, which we were stuck at for three days with 30 people I had a complete breakdown. Other than my husband, no one knows that it sent me into a depression and anxiety spiral for over a month. I went back to the doctor and he gave me Klonopin. That worked! The first time I took one I went to my sister in-laws and my nephew kept looking at me funny because apparently I was slurring and acting funny. It does tend to make me high if I haven’t taken it in a while, and that first time was no exception!
The year after (last year) my anxiety started causing insomnia. Sleep to me is the most important thing in the world. It’s like air. I can not function without sleep. I’ve always had sleep issues so it didn’t seem like that big of a deal at first. I just took Gravol at night like I always did when I was having trouble, but this time it wasn’t working. The insomnia wasn’t just affecting sleep, it was also giving me anxiety daily for no reason. I’d wake up anxious and tired. Back to the doctor.
This time on top of the Klonopin he gave me Remeron. It let me sleep finally but not all the time. So next we tried another drug that I can’t remember, but it let me sleep like a baby. It would knock me out, but no matter what time I went to bed, I would wake up at 5:00. I was so tired again.
Finally after having a breakdown at the doctor, we decided to put me back on the Remeron. That at a higher dose combined with the Klonopin, lets me sleep, for the most part, really good. As in 12 hours good! I haven’t slept like this since highschool! So now my daily anxiety is mostly gone, but I’m still dealing with the situational anxiety that I get every so often. I can deal with that though. I have Klonopin for that, and I finally feel like I’m back to normal. Well, normal for me. Which is still kind of crazy.

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