Bit of a back story. When I was 12 we moved and I had to switch schools. Grade 7 was hell. The kids in my class were complete assholes, and bullied me to no end. One girl had the same name as me and said I wasn’t allowed to have the same name.
There were fights with other girls and constant name calling. It wasn’t easy. I stayed home a lot that year because of it.
I remember telling my mom one morning that I couldn’t go cause it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. That was my first clue now, as to what I was feeling back then.
We moved again for the next school year on my 13th birthday. I had to go through the whole thing all over again. Making friends this time was even harder and the kids were even worse than before.
I finally found a group of girls who were accepting of me, or so I thought. After Christmas break they ended up turning on me and spreading rumors that I was stealing from them and doing who knows what. The worst part was when my mom got called into the school and believed every lie they had told. I had no one to trust.
It’s only now, three years after figuring out that I have general and social anxiety, that I realized this is where it all stems from.
In grade 9 I was fed up with the threats and bullies and switched to a different school. And yet again the bullies came. It wasn’t until grade 10 when I switched schools yet again that the bullying stopped. But there was another problem. My “best friend” was very controlling. I wasn’t allowed to have any other friends or do anything without her. She was like a controlling boyfriend without the benefits. That thankfully ended when she moved away in grade 11. Finally I dropped out of school and never looked back.
Now at 36, my life is spent mostly with my wonderful husband. We don’t have kids, and I have a total of 1 friend that I rarely see and sometimes text. I’m not comfortable around the family we have near, since they seem to not want me around. I’m mostly alone.
I don’t mind being alone but sometimes it does get lonely. That’s when I find I spiral the most. I have gone for help from my family doctor, and find that Klonopin helps with the anxiety and panic attacks, and I’m taking Remeron for insomnia. It doesn’t offer much more than sleep for me though but that’s ok. Sleep is more important to me than anything else right now, since I’m mentally and physically useless if I don’t get enough.
I haven’t decided yet if I want to go the route of therapy or psychiatry yet, as I’m skeptical and don’t like talking. I tend to keep things bottled up and to myself. We’ll see if that’s in the cards.