5.

To say I have some issues is an understatement. This is a summary of said issues.

 

  • Anger
  • Abandonment
  • Trust
  • Sharing
  • Reproductive
  • Inadequacy
  • Food textures including, mushy, slimy, sticky, chunky, and woody.
  • Things with textures including, slippery, sticky, slimy, and wet.
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4.

Things that piss me off:

  • When my sister-in-law says “well you know where we are”
  • People who can’t park
  • People who can park but don’t take the time to straighten their vehicle
  • Solicitors
  • Noisy neighbors
  • Beauty gurus who use too bright lighting
  • Everyone who says they’re obsessed with everything
  • People who say expresso
  • People who say chipolte
  • People who confuse there, they’re, and their and two, too, and to
  • And those same people who don’t care enough to spell check
  • People who think they’re better and more important than other people because they have kids
  • People who can’t sit still
  • People who constantly need to be busy

 

3.

As I’ve said in an earlier post, I have social and general anxiety. The worst being social. Up until 4 years ago I thought I was just anti social and tended to feel sick a lot when having to be around people. I finally realized what was going on when I started reading The Bloggess. I was reading her blog and saying to myself “I have that too! That’s what’s happening to me!” I figured I didn’t need help though since it wasn’t too bad and only happened sporadically.
Then a few years ago I had my first panic and anxiety attack. We had tickets for months to go to a Vampire Weekend concert for our anniversary and I was really looking forward to it. I had never been to a concert and was a bit nervous leading up to the date. The day of was horrible. I had massive anxiety and did everything I could to distract myself. On the two-hour drive to the venue I got physically sick. Once we stopped in the city I had a full-blown panic attack. Needless to say we didn’t end up going. I was so disappointed not just because I was missing it but more in myself. I felt so defeated. It was after that, that I decided I needed help.
I finally went to my doctor and he was super understanding about it. He almost seemed to say “oh that? Lots of people have that. Take this.” So he gave me Ativan.
The Ativan worked a tiny bit but not enough. I ended up not taking it at all since it didn’t do anything anyways. After a horrible Christmas away at a cabin, which we were stuck at for three days with 30 people I had a complete breakdown. Other than my husband, no one knows that it sent me into a depression and anxiety spiral for over a month. I went back to the doctor and he gave me Klonopin. That worked! The first time I took one I went to my sister in-laws and my nephew kept looking at me funny because apparently I was slurring and acting funny. It does tend to make me high if I haven’t taken it in a while, and that first time was no exception!
The year after (last year) my anxiety started causing insomnia. Sleep to me is the most important thing in the world. It’s like air. I can not function without sleep. I’ve always had sleep issues so it didn’t seem like that big of a deal at first. I just took Gravol at night like I always did when I was having trouble, but this time it wasn’t working. The insomnia wasn’t just affecting sleep, it was also giving me anxiety daily for no reason. I’d wake up anxious and tired. Back to the doctor.
This time on top of the Klonopin he gave me Remeron. It let me sleep finally but not all the time. So next we tried another drug that I can’t remember, but it let me sleep like a baby. It would knock me out, but no matter what time I went to bed, I would wake up at 5:00. I was so tired again.
Finally after having a breakdown at the doctor, we decided to put me back on the Remeron. That at a higher dose combined with the Klonopin, lets me sleep, for the most part, really good. As in 12 hours good! I haven’t slept like this since highschool! So now my daily anxiety is mostly gone, but I’m still dealing with the situational anxiety that I get every so often. I can deal with that though. I have Klonopin for that, and I finally feel like I’m back to normal. Well, normal for me. Which is still kind of crazy.

2.

Things I can’t do because of my anxiety:

 

  • Go to movies
  • Be in crowds
  • Go out with other people in a different vehicle than our own
  • Drive
  • Sometimes leave the house
  • Not think about when I’m going to eat next in case my blood sugar crashes
  • Watch some action movies
  • Be around people for an extended period of time
  • Have my niece and nephew over for sleepovers
  • Have anyone over for a visit
  • Have anyone in my home
  • Have company from out of town
  • Talk on the phone
  • Sometimes texting
  • Talk to my mother
  • Stay at other people’s houses
  • Holiday with other people
  • Have a job
  • Have responsibilities other than household duties
  • Manage the household money
  • Be stuck in traffic
  • Go anywhere without meds
  • Sleep
  • Be spontaneous

Things I can do because of my anxiety:

  • Spend a lot of time alone and be content

1.

Bit of a back story. When I was 12 we moved and I had to switch schools. Grade 7 was hell. The kids in my class were complete assholes, and bullied me to no end. One girl had the same name as me and said I wasn’t allowed to have the same name.

There were fights with other girls and constant name calling. It wasn’t easy. I stayed home a lot that year because of it.

I remember telling my mom one morning that I couldn’t go cause it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. That was my first clue now, as to what I was feeling back then.

We moved again for the next school year on my 13th birthday. I had to go through the whole thing all over again. Making friends this time was even harder and the kids were even worse than before.

I finally found a group of girls who were accepting of me, or so I thought. After Christmas break they ended up turning on me and spreading rumors that I was stealing from them and doing who knows what. The worst part was when my mom got called into the school and believed every lie they had told. I had no one to trust.

It’s only now, three years after figuring out that I have general and social anxiety, that I realized this is where it all stems from.

In grade 9 I was fed up with the threats and bullies and switched to a different school. And yet again the bullies came. It wasn’t until grade 10 when I switched schools yet again that the bullying stopped. But there was another problem. My “best friend” was very controlling. I wasn’t allowed to have any other friends or do anything without her. She was like a controlling boyfriend without the benefits. That thankfully ended when she moved away in grade 11. Finally I dropped out of school and never looked back.

Now at 36, my life is spent mostly with my wonderful husband. We don’t have kids, and I have a total of 1 friend that I rarely see and sometimes text. I’m not comfortable around the family we have near, since they seem to not want me around. I’m mostly alone.

I don’t mind being alone but sometimes it does get lonely. That’s when I find I spiral the most. I have gone for help from my family doctor, and find that Klonopin helps with the anxiety and panic attacks, and I’m taking Remeron for insomnia. It doesn’t offer much more than sleep for me though but that’s ok. Sleep is more important to me than anything else right now, since I’m mentally and physically useless if I don’t get enough.

I haven’t decided yet if I want to go the route of therapy or psychiatry yet, as I’m skeptical and don’t like talking. I tend to keep things bottled up and to myself. We’ll see if that’s in the cards.