I feel ugly. Even when I was in school and everyone would make fun of how I looked I never felt ugly.
I’ve gained more weight, which doesn’t usually bother me, but right now I just feel so large and uncomfortable. I’m nearing 40, and even though I don’t have wrinkles (because I’m so fat), I can see my skin sagging on my face and it looks gross. I shaved my head a few months ago, and while I’m glad I did it and I loved it, my hair growing in is still so short and it makes me feel ugly.
Things are doing well. I’m feeling well and I think am finally used to this house. Right now I’m waiting for fall to hit with the cooler temperatures and crisp air and all the things I love about fall. It’s by far my favourite time of year.
I’m starting to feel it now. We have cool days mixed in more with the hot and the hot doesn’t seem so stifling.
I made short ribs the other day cause it was cool enough to have my oven on for three hours. They were delicious. I forgot how good they were. I’m excited to be able to actually cook in my kitchen. And bake! I haven’t baked in ages!
So I guess it’s getting better. We’ve been here almost a month now and are starting to feel settled. We fixed the problem we had with the cat getting into the basement and crawl space. The noise went away. The weather has been fantastic and rainy all month. This house has its issues but I suppose it’s just something you get used to. This week we have roofers coming to redo the roof, and hopefully after that, we’ll be able to fully relax and settle.
So we’ve moved. It didn’t go great. The cat did much better than expected. I did much worse. I feel like I’m in mourning for the old house.
I loved it. I was so happy there. Finally, happy. I didn’t want to move, I just wasn’t ready when it was time. I’m still not ready.
The new house is nice. It has more things about it that I like better, but it’s new and a big change all around. And above all I wasn’t ready.
All I can think is since we had to move in a certain amount of time we couldn’t be very picky. We had to take one of the first ones that hit most of the boxes, and now we’re locked in for a year.
One year. I’m giving it that year to see how much I like it here. I don’t want to move again but I’m giving it a year.
I’ve thought many times about having Pumpernickel as an emotional support animal, but after the other day that has gone to the wind.
First off, we bought her a harness so that when we had the doors open to cool the house off in the summer, we could put her on a leash. That’s not needed now. I did put her in it however, to see if she liked being outside. She did great in her harness! Even with the leash on it! When I took her outside though she did a full nope and walked back inside the house. Twice. So now I don’t have to worry about her trying to get out.
Second. She had diarrhea for just over a week, and being to worrying mother I am I took her to the doctor. (She had had too much dairy at once and it basically killed the healthy bacteria. She got some antibiotics and probiotics and within 24 hours she had nice hard poops again.) She wore her harness wonderfully, but she hated the car ride. I felt so bad for her. She was in such distress until she got back into the comfort of her own home.
After those two things I realized she would never be able to come with me places. And that’s ok. I don’t go out often anyways, and even though I do miss her when I do go out, I look forward to her cuddles when I do come home.
And now our bubble has burst. So far we’ve had a fantastic year. That was until we were told yesterday that we have to move again.
I was actually happy. For the first time in years, decades even. I was content and happy and had found joy. All that has crashed down and gone away.
We have just under four months to find a new place, so hopefully ample time to find somewhere with what we need, but time crunches are always fretful. To put it lightly, we’re a bit devastated and I’m still processing.
Pumpernickel has found her voice. She lets us know when she’s upset with us, or when she needs something. It’s usually as simple as demanding a blanket to lay on when it’s all bunched up or not there. Sometimes it’s when we’re taking too long to go downstairs in the morning, or when she’s offended that I won’t let her sniff and taste my food. Whichever reason it is, I’m glad she’s finally being a little bit vocal, and I hope she’ll eventually start chirping and having conversations with me.
So far life with Pumpernickel is going great! It’s been a few days now and she’s starting to show her personality. She’s quite a suck, and loves running from one room to the next. I think she’s fallen just as much in love with me, as I am with her. She’ll come and jump on my lap and writhe around to get as much love as she can, until she’s had enough to go back searching the house, and then comes back for more.
She’s still a bit wary of us when we’re standing, and very wary of husband. Although last night when I was in bed she did go and get as much love from him as she could since he was awake. Progress!
She’s not outright hiding anymore. Instead of hiding under the bed, she’ll sit beside it while watching us in the kitchen. She’s even starting to explore the basement.
She has already brought me such joy. I knew that this is what I needed, and even husband agrees. Now if only I could get her sleeping pattern to change. I’ll probably work on that this week.
I received the best news this week. Something I’ve been waiting years for. We are finally able to have a cat! This may not be so exciting to others but for me it’s a big deal. It felt like someone told me I was pregnant.
After not being able to have a baby, the next best thing was to get a cat. And now, I finally can!
We went out the next day and just happened across a beautiful little kitty in a pet shop. She has to be one of the most beautiful cats I’ve ever seen. She’s a rescue and from a local humane society. They think she’s about 6 months old.
We went in the adoption room to visit with her and other than being very curious, she wasn’t shy at all! She immediately let me touch her and even pick her up. She was instantly purring. Even husband likes her!
We immediately filled out adoption forms and are now waiting to hear back if we get to keep her. It makes me super anxious though, with the waiting, and I’m so nervous that they’ll turn us down. I’m already so in love with her and I just want her home so I can spoil her.
Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in my comfort zone. It’s nice and cozy and non threatening. I basically stay home, mostly by myself, and clean, cook, and binge Netflix.
Then I get the feeling that I should step out of my comfy bubble and do something scary. I reach out and try to make a plan with someone and they shut it down. They don’t realize how hard it is, and it sets me back, and I never want to leave my bubble again.
This time, I’m not reaching out. I know what the response will be. I don’t want to be rejected again. So I’ll stay in my bubble and everyone else can go fuck themselves.